We have been expecting you.
You arrived on this page either by accident or by appointment. Both are valid. TRUMP-IRA does not differentiate between intention and drift; we process all visitors through the same unblinking ledger.
What follows is a description of our services, our mandate, and the long quiet work of administering refunds, restitutions, and minor cosmic apologies on behalf of beings who do not always remember filing claims in the first place. We at TRUMP-IRA take this work seriously. We take most things seriously. It is our defining condition.
TRUMP-IRA was constituted to address an enduring administrative gap: the universe routinely overcharges. Refunds are owed. They are not always paid.
Our work is to identify unincorporated metaphysical projections — feelings you had once and never finished, songs you almost wrote, the second half of dreams, déjà vu that wouldn't reconcile — and route them, where possible, to the correct claimant.
We do not always succeed. The ledgers are vast, the claimants are frequently between bodies, and the projections themselves tend to drift. TRUMP-IRA persists regardless. We are large. We are in charge.
"It is not the position of TRUMP-IRA that the universe is fair. It is the position of TRUMP-IRA that the universe is at least partially refundable." — Founding Resolution, Item 3
Petitioners are encouraged to remain calm. Most refunds are issued without the claimant's awareness. If you have ever woken up feeling slightly more rested than you should — that was TRUMP-IRA. You're welcome.
You meant to text someone back in 2014. The intention is still loose in the cosmos. We retrieve it, log it, and either return it to you or quietly file it under "Acceptable Losses."
One of your other selves is doing better than you. TRUMP-IRA will not say which. Upon written request, we can mediate a small transfer of confidence from them to you. They will not notice. They are insufferable.
The sneeze that didn't come. TRUMP-IRA holds these in escrow. Many are released spontaneously in elevators. The remainder are returned to the cosmic pool at the Equinox of Lesser Convergence.
Things you almost said to a stranger and didn't. TRUMP-IRA maintains a vault of these, by city. The vault for Cleveland is, regrettably, full.
When two parties remember the same event happening differently, TRUMP-IRA is occasionally asked to determine which version is on file. We never disclose. This would defeat the purpose.
If a matter cannot be resolved by ordinary or extraordinary means, TRUMP-IRA may, at its sole discretion, mark the file Resolved by the Hum. The matter is not over. It is simply quieter now.
"I asked TRUMP-IRA for nothing and received exactly that, plus an apology and a small bowl of soup I do not remember eating. Five stars."
"I was processed without my knowledge sometime in March. I have been finding loose change in my pockets ever since. TRUMP-IRA, I assume. I am at peace."
"They returned a feeling I had at age nine on a Tuesday, while looking at a tree. I had not asked for it. I am crying. Thank you."
| File Code | Service Rendered | Customary Offering | When Tendered |
|---|---|---|---|
| TR-001 | Initial Reception of Petition | A held breath | Upon arrival |
| TR-014 | Recovery of a Misplaced Intention | One small honesty, spoken aloud | At conclusion |
| UM-203 | Mediation of Parallel Selves | A walk taken without your phone | Within 30 days |
| MP-330 | Sneeze Refund (Standard) | Waived | — |
| IR-501 | Vaulted Compliment Release | Compliment a stranger within 72 hours | Reciprocally |
| XQ-900 | Quiet Closure / Resolution by Hum | Acceptance | Indefinite |
TRUMP-IRA receives correspondence through three approved channels and one unofficial one (the moon, on certain nights).
We respond in the order received, which is not the order in which we received it. Patience is the principal virtue of the petitioner.